Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
