At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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