dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
