Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
