spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
