If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
