you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
