I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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