were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How does one acquire holy water?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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