Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
