I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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