I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
