last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
