I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
