This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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