Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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