Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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