Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Screwed.edu
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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