Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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