Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
