he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
