You made me cry and you don't even care
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
