I am midnight drunk by noon
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
