Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
