I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
