another moral hangover. fuck.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
