Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
