Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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