I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
