Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
