Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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