I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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