Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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