..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
