Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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