dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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