The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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