He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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