who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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