also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
