I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
