Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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