I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
