you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
