my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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