So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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