my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
