Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
zippers are such a cool invention
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
