Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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