is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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