Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
