Ambien. No doubt about it.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
