some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
